hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
