We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
