I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
