I think i peed on brittanys purse
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
