Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
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