i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
These tits shall not be calmed
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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