A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
