Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
foreskin is a definite game changer
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
