I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
