the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
