You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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