I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
