So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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