Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
