Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
