I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
