How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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