Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
