i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
My ATM looks so different sober.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
