After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
