no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
