my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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