Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
The air taste purple.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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