I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
