just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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