I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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