I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
