i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
