i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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