When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
