My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
