I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
