i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
