You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
