Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
