My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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