You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
