my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
