just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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