Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
