Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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