can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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