Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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