my phone needs a breathalizer
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
organizing the empties. That sober.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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