i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
