so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
