Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
