so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
