"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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