nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I looked at my own cervix.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
