And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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