I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
