Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
