i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
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