I met the friendliest cop last night
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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